Bittersweet time

It is 3 days until Wendy's son Brandon get's married.........I have vivid memories of Wendy and I talking about the day our children would get married.  What would it be like?  Who would they marry?  When would they have children?  One thing I know for sure - is we always knew the day would come and we always knew we would be there for each other.  It has been 6 years since Wendy passed away and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  She had the most wonderful sense of humor and was quick to laugh.  Her eyes twinkled and she usually had some sarcastic, funny comeback for everything!  Oh how I miss her......I think of what it would be like if Wendy were alive.....we would be talking about what we were wearing to the wedding, those 10 pounds we wish we would have dropped, who would be coming, where would it be......so many conversations over the phone that would last for hours.......She would be so proud of her son and I know she would have loved Adrienne.  I know she is gone and I know she won't be at the wedding, but that doesn't change the ache I have in my heart ---- the longing to hear her voice ---- to be with her on this special day.  I am so happy for Brandon and so proud of the young man he has become.  My heart is filled with joy and love for this big day and I am trying so hard to just be happy and take it all in.  Standing in for Brandon's "parents" is a big deal and Ray and I are so honored that he chose us.  I will represent my sister with pride and stand a little taller on Saturday knowing that I am standing there on her behalf.

I love you Sister.  I miss you.  I am honored to be in your children's lives and be able to carry on your memories with them.......

As we continue to get ready for Brandon's wedding, I know my sister is guiding us and helping us through the process.  Wendy would be so proud of her children and how they have grown into amazing young adults.  Brandon is getting ready for the next chapter in his life; marriage.   I know he misses his mom very much and we all wish she were here to enjoy this journey.  In her absence, Ray and I will do our best to stand in as his parents.  We are so proud of Brandon and the choices he has made over the years.  I know how difficult it has been not having his mom around.  I often find myself thinking about what it would be like if my sister were here today......she would be so excited planning the details of the wedding, figuring out what dress to wear, helping w/travel arrangements....she loved having her family around her and this would have been such a wonderful time for her.

Love you Wendy.  Miss you every day.  Continue to watch over us and guide us....I know you are always close by, I feel your presence and love surrounding me.  Wish you were here......

5 year Anniversary......

When I took this picture, I was standing at the exact same spot I was 5 years ago. Only then I was feeling so sad, numb, unexplainable pain.........How would I ever celebrate another New years without Wendy? I didn't think I could at the time......

.....now 5 years later, I am filled with gratitude for having known Wendy for 40 years :) She was so funny to be around - always laughing, joking and making you feel good. I only have to close my eyes and think back to our childhood and I instantly smile a little bit inside.

Wendy's death taught me to live. Really live. Notice the small things. Remember a friend. Do something that makes you laugh. Be silly. Stop caring what other people think, and dance. Dance to the beat of your own drum.....only YOU can create your happiness. Live.

Rest in Peace my sweet sister and know that I think of you every day and it is always followed by a smile.........December 31, 2011. (*12/18/06) miss you.

It's that time of year again.....

Oh how I dread this time of year......everything starts to happen just like it did right before Wendy died....end of football season, Surivor Finale and Holiday shopping --- you go through life on automatic pilot, oblivious to the outside world and then --- BAM --- something tragic happens that takes your breath away and makes your whole world stop.

I remember those 5 days leading up to her death like it was yesterday......I replay it over and over - trying to remember every detail of our conversations, her laughter, her stories and her voice. I miss her voice.

Time doesn't really change that - years don't really make it easier ---- you just learn to live with the pain and you learn to cherish the memories :) It will be 4 years this Saturday......4 Christmases without her.

Life goes on. We keep living and going through our life wondering how much time we have left on this earth. The one blessing that is left when someone close dies, is you lose the fear of dying yourself --- becuase somewhere deep inside you know that they will be there when you pass, waiting to take you in their arms and it welcome you.

I will see my sister again - until then I will remember her smile, her wicked sense of humor and they way she made me feel loved!!

Merry Christmas my Angel-Sista!

Happy Father's Day Grandpa

When I woke up this morning, I realized that this would be the first time in over 20 years that I wouldn't be talking to my grandpa on Father's Day! He was always my first call.......every year.

He was an amazing grandfather to me. Always showing unconditional love to me - without fail - every time I saw him. His eyes lit up and he was give me a big hug and squeeze my hand "Hello Doll. How's my Tracy doing?". I have so much comfort in those memories.

I love you grandpa and I miss your presence in my life - but I carry your love in my heart and it wraps me up like a warm blanket any time I want it......Thank you for loving me. For always loving me. Tell Wendy hello up there and give her a hug from me. I miss both of you and look forward tot he day we are all united again.

Holidays hurt the most.....

My family was big on holidays growing up :) My mom would give us Valentines Day baskets, Easter baskets, etc- any holiday was a celebration at our house! Wendy loved her holidays as much as I did. We would talk about what we were getting our kids, what we were putting in the Easter baskets for the boys (they were always harder to shop for). Wendy and I spent a lot of holidays together and I miss her terribly.

Wendy is always "sending" me little signs - on Easter Sunday this year, I was going through boxes getting pictures for my daughters Senior year scrapbook - I came across an old Easter card from Wendy (what are the chances??). It was a beautiful card! She was thanking me for being a great sis to her and for believing in her........Oh how I miss her and the love she brought to my life!

Grandpa Griffith R.I.P.

It gives me great comfort knowing that Wendy will be there to greet my grandpa tonight......I loved my grandpa so much! He was the one solid male figure in my life that loved my unconditionally......always squeezing my hand and hugging me with such love and kindness. I will miss him so much.....

My grandpa's death is nothing like Wendy's was.....we knew at 92 that he didn't have a whole lot of time left, but it doesn't make it any easier. Losing people you love is never easy....the pain/ache it causes is hard to erase from your heart.

I mourn the loss of my grandpa tonight, but also celebrate a life well ived.......